EPISODE 6: Three Weeks to Live… and You Haven’t Seen Maverick?

In this episode, Chris learns that Tristan commits the ultimate cinematic sin—never having seen Top Gun: Maverick—and is immediately put on trial for “hating joy.” From sneaking a suspicious amount of booze into movie theaters (including a teriyaki bottle of rum… yes, really) to debating the purity of popcorn toppings like it’s a moral issue, things spiral quickly.

Then, naturally, the conversation pivots to the end of the world. Would you road trip to safety, bunker down with your family, or accidentally just… go to work anyway? Along the way: doomsday cult billboards, apocalyptic survival strategies, Olive Garden roast sessions, and a shocking amount of passion about pizza toppings.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:13

When you just said you didn't like, or what's that look, right? It makes me think of that moment in Maverick. It's like the motif I really love where Cruz's white hand guy says, I don't like that look, Mav, and Tom Cruise, like, it's the only one I got. You know what I'm you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 0:33

No.

SPEAKER_00 0:34

What, like you don't remember it?

SPEAKER_01 0:37

So shameful as it is to admit I never saw the new Top Gun.

SPEAKER_00 0:45

Is is there something wrong with you? Do you do you hate Joy? I mean, if you don't like Tom Cruise, I can respect that. Obviously, he's problematic in a couple of ways, but is it that or do you hate Joy?

SPEAKER_01 0:58

I I mean, I just never saw the point in the movie. I everybody keeps telling me to watch it. Like, you're not the first person to bring this up that is like, oh my god, it was the best movie I've ever seen. And I'm just like, but is it? Because like Top Gun was pretty good. I was it sequel worthy. I don't know at the time if it was even sequel worthy.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

Oh my god. So I'll grant you the fact that when they were making it when it was coming out, I was thinking to myself, like, oh, this is kind of sad. Like, they're gonna do this and this great thing that holds a special place in my childhood and nostalgia and kidney loggings and all the things, and they're gonna just hurt it. And I felt that way. And you have to wonder how much of it was the experience of in the wake of COVID starting to ease and it becoming more regular to be out and amongst people, and that movie coming out very thoughtfully at that time, because they held the release of it all throughout COVID and waited a while, unlike Nolan with Tennant and stuff. You have to wonder how much of it was this the times that played into it. Because, like the first time we saw in the theater, Angela and I and some other friends of ours snuck in like just a shit ton of high noons. And, you know, at certain moments in that film, like the entire theater cheered, and you had just this coming together experience. So it's hard to divorce that, but at the same time, that movie's just fucking rocks, man. What's wrong with you?

SPEAKER_01 2:33

I I will give it a watch. I I try to not talk about it because I like it's like at this point, I feel like that ship has sailed like I missed my moment, and now it's just weird that I haven't seen it. So I'm like trying to just like bury that and not ever talk about it. But I will I've been called out at this point, so now I need to rectify, add it to the list because there's a few other ones I'm fairly ashamed of not having seen yet.

SPEAKER_00 3:04

I mean, all of us have those those films from back in the day that we haven't seen, those those great movies that we haven't seen that we should have seen. But like in the modern day, you being a film lover need to have seen Top Gun Maverick at this point.

SPEAKER_01 3:21

No, I the point made. Alright, change that. I I will change that. I want to, before we get too deep, say you snuck in a bunch of high noons. How'd you do it?

SPEAKER_00 3:33

I mean, I think it was just because theater owners were so happy after losing the profits for a year at that point, they didn't give a shit. Like, I think we were actually really brazen. Like, I had two in each pocket, each of my shorts pockets, and then Angela had like four to six in her purse. And the friends when we went with actually brought shots as well. So we had like all kinds of shots of like, keep in mind, by the way, I'm gonna caveat this. At the time I was selling Gallo, so please understand, like a c one of our other friends had a couple sleeves of Pink Whitney's in there. Like, it was everything. And I don't think the theaters owners cared because they were just happy to see full theaters for a tempole film.

SPEAKER_01 4:18

So I I worked with this guy a million years ago. It was when I was at Pepsi. He was the store manager of this like SaveMart, which is a little NorCal local chain. I think Albertsons bought it, whatever. Grocery store. He worked there, became a buddy of mine, and he was absolutely just a hot fucking mess. Like he was an absolute wreck of a human. One of those, like I looked at.

SPEAKER_00 4:44

Hi, former friend. Hope you're doing well. Uh inevitably listening out there. No, continue, Tristan.

SPEAKER_01 4:49

Well, I could tell you he's hindsight's 2020, the guy's absolutely a piece of shit. I think he dipped on his kids and moved to Hawaii. But he used to go to the movies with a teriyaki bottle full of rum because he would tell them he liked to put teriyaki sauce on his popcorn. And I can't figure out if that's just brilliant or the signs of an absolute fucking alcoholic that just needs to get help.

SPEAKER_00 5:18

No, it's brilliant. I'll answer that for you. Okay. It's brilliant. I won't tell you the miscreant, rascally, underhanded deeds I used to do as a teen going into the theater and sneaking shit in. But none of them were that clever. And I'm disappointed in my former younger self.

SPEAKER_01 5:37

I just can't imagine anybody putting teriyaki sauce on their popcorn. I think that was a disconnect for me because I'm such a popcorn purist.

SPEAKER_00 5:44

Are you saying that Umami doesn't find its way into popcorn?

SPEAKER_01 5:48

What I'm saying is anything more than butter and salt and popcorn is excessive and unnecessary.

SPEAKER_00 5:54

Clearly, you're not a gourmet. And now we've learned more about you in addition to your hatred of great movies like Tom Top Gun Maverick.

SPEAKER_01 6:01

I mean, yeah. I there are certain things, you know, I it's not even certain things. It's it's like wide-ranging. Like I like I love big bold flavors and shit like that, but I also really like simplicity. Like, to me, a margarita pizza done well is peak. Like, that is the pizza. And I get literally rolled for it with my family because they're just such like if it doesn't have like a meat bukake on it, they're like not in.

SPEAKER_00 6:36

I'm not gonna respond to the words that you just said, but I am just gonna I am gonna say for what it's worth, I'm just being a catalyst and an antagonist as I always am. I actually agree with you on popcorn. For me, butter and salt, period. I mean, if that salt wants to be truffle salt, okay. And I do like that slight mushroomy umami of truffle salt on there. Yeah. But it's butter and salt with pizza though. And when I told my kids about this, I swear they threw up in their mouths, but at some point I'm gonna have them try it so they can believe me. I think I've told you my first job was working at a pizza restaurant, and my pizza of choice at the end of long shifts in the early morning hours of sun Saturday, Sunday morning, Saturday morning, slash Friday night, Saturday night leading into, was to take a sausage and Canadian bacon pizza, but then over the top of it, before baking it, I would drizzle it with Italian dressing and crumbled up Lay's potato chips. And by the look on your face, I also see the disgust.

SPEAKER_01 7:40

It's not disgust. You okay. You you had me at sausage and Canadian bacon.

SPEAKER_00 7:47

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 7:48

You you lost me at Italian dressing, and then you got me back at crushed up Lay's. So I'm trying to figure out the dressing piece of it, because like there's there's no soggy aspect with that.

SPEAKER_00 8:01

No, because it it baked out, but what it did was it added a nice sweet and sour additional umami components because our Italian dressing was housemade there at the pizza restaurant and was killer, but it added just an additional layer that was not present in the pizza at the time and it couldn't find like that extra vinegar, fat, and seasoning aspect just just kicked it up another notch. And then obviously the textural component from the potato chips that got even crunchier when it baked through the pizza oven, plus additional salt. So, yes, did that pizza most likely have more salt than five packs of ramen in one hit right to your bloodstream? Absolutely. Was it delicious? You know it.

SPEAKER_01 8:44

Listen, there was a time when salt was worth more than gold. See? Don't forget that. See? Salt. So all you people out there that salt your bacon, you're basically living like kings.

SPEAKER_00 8:56

That's lovely.

SPEAKER_01 8:57

That is lovely. Do we kick it off? Yeah, let's talk about it. This is episode something. You know what? We've done not that many, but we've done enough that I've lost count.

SPEAKER_00 9:07

Is it six or seven? Six, six. And yes, I am doing the hand motions.

SPEAKER_01 9:12

Yes, yes, he is. I was was watching, I was watching shrinking. Oh yeah, episode six, cross-eyed bear, Tristan, and Chris. I was watching Shrinking, and they were using that motion as the motion to tell somebody to sack up. I mean, that works too. It just now that's that's all I can default to.

SPEAKER_00 9:31

I always go back to, you know, in Major League Two, that was a motif where they used that motion, and it was in reference to to sacking up. And now if I showed that, I mean, my son's seen Major League 2, but if he watched it again, he'd be like, oh my god, 6'7, when in fact that's not what they're doing. Alright, episode six.

SPEAKER_01 9:49

Episode six, here we go. Alright, so this is the catalyst of the episode. I remember this vividly. And I hope I'm not alone here because well, I'll get into why. It's the 20th of May, which means this is going to most likely come out tomorrow, assuming I get it edited and all the things. Today, or tomorrow rather, is the 15-year anniversary of the end of the world. So, May 21st, 2011, Harold Camping basically decided that that was May 21st, 2011 is gonna be the end of the world. The the psychotic part about it though, and I wrote this down and now I've lost it, so whatever, I'll just do a guess and you guys fact check me. He spent somewhere in the realm of like a hundred million dollars on billboards and advertising to alert people to the oncoming rapture. Presumably to push him to his church and whatever. But yeah, it's it's completely insane.

SPEAKER_00 10:58

I don't even remember, I don't think I remember that one being nearly as publicized as the one, the the Mayan one in 2012, but a hundred million dollars, clearly that's insane.

SPEAKER_01 11:09

I mean, there were billboards everywhere, and I I do remember that. I remember the really, really ho-dunk looking Winnebagos with the Jesus Saves banners like basically plastered to the side of it. Did you look it up? What's the dollar amount?

SPEAKER_00 11:28

Oh, I was just looking at at the data. I wasn't looking at the dollar amount, but yeah, the rapture and judgment day.

SPEAKER_01 11:34

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Considering the state of the world, I'm not sure he was wrong. But I don't think a lot of people went, if you get what I'm getting at.

SPEAKER_00 11:46

I get what you're getting at.

SPEAKER_01 11:47

So we're all sinners, we're all still here, and Harold Camping, maybe you were right on. But what that got me thinking about, aside from the fact that somebody predicted the end of the world 15 15 years ago, it has not come. But do you remember a movie uh 10 years ago maybe with Steve Carell? And Cira Knightly seeking a friend for the end of the world. Yep. Quick plot update, just in case anybody hasn't seen it. There's a radio announcement, there's a comet the size of basically Texas headed for the world. It has three weeks until it hits. So everybody has like a three-week heads up to their demise. It's it's a focus focus films movie, so it's a little bit left to center, a little bit off beat, but it was I to me, it was very, very good. But it got me thinking, what would you do with a three-week heads up that the end of the world is coming?

SPEAKER_00 12:52

It's such a tough thing, too. And I mean, the perspective is so different depending on where you're at in your life. Cause my perspective now is dramatically different than it would have been fifth twenty fifteen years ago, especially, but twenty years ago, you know, not being a parent, not being a husband, all the things. What would you what would you do? Let's start with you.

SPEAKER_01 13:24

Okay. Well, first off, there's a couple things I gotta clear up before we we gotta make a ruling here.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 13:30

Because I've been thinking about this. What is the threshold before we have to start warning people about spoiler alerts? Because some of these movies we're talking about are like decades old. This one's not quite that old, but like settle down. If you haven't seen it yet, I feel like that's your own fault.

SPEAKER_00 13:48

You know what? I kind of don't care about spoiler alerts. I feel like, in unless it's a movie that has recently come out, I think that that's not fair. If something's been out for a year or two more, you're saying two years. I don't care.

SPEAKER_01 14:04

Okay. I will draw the line of two years. Anything newer than that, we will not ruin Marty Supreme for you. But fair. So in the trailer, it's like his wife's in the car with him. They hear it on the radio, and she immediately like unbuckles her seatbelt, like runs away because she's like, Yep, I'm fucking done with this. I've got three weeks to live my life. And then conversely, he like goes to his apartment and his house cleaner's there, and he tries to. I just watched this recently. He tries to like, he's like, You don't really need to show up anymore. Yeah. And she's just like, What do you are you firing me? And he's just like, Never mind. I'll see you next week. And it's just like this guy that like can't really reconcile that it's happening, and he spends the better part of his three weeks wallowing and wasting precious time just trying to like break his routine. The guy showed up to work after hearing about it.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

And so I there's obviously gonna be two camps of people, there's gonna be several camps of people, but see though, I think that that's like that just speaks to the comfort and of routine that most people have, and I honestly think that would be a large swath of people is that they would dig even harder into routine, like so random reference, but have you ever watched the movie uh Land of the Dead? Yeah, with John Leguizamo and Ozzie Argento and a whole bunch of other Dennis Hopper, great, actually kind of a fun flick, and I feel like a good one. Well, you know, in that one, it shows the zombies doing like it shows the small town and the guy pumping the gas, even though there's not a car there, but going through the motions and pumping the gas, the postman putting things in the mailbox even though it's not there any longer, you know, same, you know, rhythmic physical routines as it. I think that people want to fall back on routine programming structure because there's comfort in it. So part of me wonders if half the populace would do that, 45%, 45% would go crazy, go nuts, like the wife running out of the car. Yeah. And then I think you and I would probably both live somewhere around the other 10%.

SPEAKER_01 16:31

Yeah, I mean, I would be far from home, I'll tell you that, but I would definitely Oh, would you? So I would be with family. I would be with my kids. Which family? What family? Well, my kids. I'd get all four of them together. I'd get I'd be with stuff. It's nice because like my immediate family all lives in and around Phoenix, but I mean I just figure like, okay, I have three weeks to live. If we're going into right now, it's it's 91 degrees out and it's a cool day right now. So I'm like, do I want to spend the next three weeks just like fucking melting in Phoenix? Or should we like go to I don't know, Banff? But who else has that idea?

SPEAKER_00 17:15

Exactly. There is zero chance I'd be trying to go anywhere other than where I have complete control over, other than the possibility of thinking about going up north, but north Arizona, like not anything further than like Sedona Flagstaff. But even still, I don't know if I'd do that because having control at that end is something that is mostly taken away from you.

SPEAKER_01 17:52

Because I think about it, and you're right, like there's certain areas, and I kind of unfortunately feel like mine could fall into this where like people are gonna riot. Yeah. Like, I don't think you deal with that, you know, in your little neck of the woods, but us on the rough side over.

SPEAKER_00 18:10

Oh my god. Was there like weird Phoenix Metro class subtext there?

SPEAKER_01 18:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:17

Strange.

SPEAKER_01 18:18

You're you're East Valley, I'm West Valley. I mean, it's might as well be Crypt's and Bloods.

SPEAKER_00 18:22

I don't know if I like this microaggression. Actually, it's a macroaggression. I don't appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01 18:27

Listen, it I didn't make the rules. I moved into them, as did you. We are fortunately outsiders that could uh come to some common ground despite our current territories, as it were. But the West Side's gonna riot. It's a fact. Chandler, I don't know. I think you're okay.

SPEAKER_00 18:47

We'll raise the dome that exists underground that encapsulates us and blocks us from the outside that's there waiting for the moment. Oh, yeah. As all East Valley people know. Shh. Sorry, I just let the secret go.

SPEAKER_01 19:00

It's basically Stephen King's the sphere, exactly just drops on top of you.

SPEAKER_00 19:03

Yeah, yes. And then we'll be great. We'll have a nice little utopia for the last three weeks. No, in all sincerity, like once you get out of your house in that kind of a situation, dude, I don't like the uncontrollability of thinking of coming across people, what could happen, and you put yourself in harm's way big time for me.

SPEAKER_01 19:26

It's like the routine piece, it's familiar and it makes sense, and I completely understand why people would fall into that. I really do. I have a I have a good example, actually. My two older kids were gone with their mom for the very first time. I was like not with them. And it was for an extended weekend, like four days. I truly did not know what to do with myself. Like, I didn't have to wake up and make anyone breakfast, I didn't have to like do anything. I would usually take him, it's Saturdays, I would take him to the zoo or we'd go to the park, we'd do, you know, shit with kids. And it was it wasn't like exhilarating, it was like the most depressing void ever. Like, I literally just like laid in bed for 10 hours because I'm like, I don't know what to do. I guess I might as well just go eat food and just went to a restaurant. So like I'm afraid of falling into a similar trap. I have three weeks left to live, but planes aren't working.

SPEAKER_00 20:30

Well you for the ultra-rich, but that's well, anybody that's got a private plane. Correct.

SPEAKER_01 20:35

But it's like even then, what are you gonna pay your pilot? He didn't give a shit. All he gets to do is travel. He'd probably take your plane by himself with his friends and fly out to like fuck off to Abitha.

SPEAKER_00 20:45

True.

SPEAKER_01 20:45

Yes, I said it. I said it like that.

SPEAKER_00 20:47

That's how you say it.

SPEAKER_01 20:49

I know, but watch me, I'm gonna get roasted for that. She's like, I get that a lot. Steph. Love you, Steph. Say it right. It's not Barcelona. Just say Barcelona like a normal fucking human.

SPEAKER_00 21:03

I'm not gonna fall into this trap that I see you wanting to bait me to join you on. So I'm just gonna say, like, I'm I don't ever make that mistake, and I'm I don't I'm not ever pompous in that way. And fortunately, I've always had my wife to know that I don't I don't need to try and be weird or different and say things like that.

SPEAKER_01 21:23

So you guys go to the nice Italian restaurant, get brucetta and minestrone.

SPEAKER_00 21:28

I see what you're doing. Yeah. No, I it's you're still trying to bait me, it's and I'm not gonna take it.

SPEAKER_01 21:33

When you get your minestrone soup, do you often put Armesian cheese on it?

SPEAKER_00 21:38

Or I do, and I like it that way, actually.

SPEAKER_01 21:42

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 21:42

Extra.

SPEAKER_01 21:43

Extra.

SPEAKER_00 21:43

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 21:45

Use one of those Olive Garden twisty, you know what I'm talking about, where they like they have the the fucking ratchet that's like ratching out cheese all over your uh I love the Olive Garden and I think that their breadsticks are the best.

SPEAKER_00 21:57

I think that the best baker in the world has nothing on. Such a fine culinary establishment as it as it is.

SPEAKER_01 22:03

So my cousin, I gotta tell. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00 22:06

So my my cousin. That was hard to say. It was the straight face.

SPEAKER_01 22:09

Oh my god, yeah, yeah. I wish you could have seen that. That was he he's basically trying to lie to a polygraph test, and like you could just see it all over his face. It was great.

SPEAKER_00 22:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:19

So my cousin has the palette of like, I don't know, a four-year-old. She has neat food, normal food, adult food. And her kids have, I don't think they've ever eaten anything that's green. And so they were catering for my cousin's daughter. My first cousin once removed. That's what it is. Anyway, she graduated, they're catering something, and they got Olive Garden. And all I kept thinking was just like, you guys probably just spent several hundred dollars on butter noodles and breadsticks. Because you're not eating a salad. I've never seen you eat like a red sauce. Like you're like, what did you I didn't get to go, so I didn't get to see and then make fun of. And I hope she hears this because I know she listens. But yeah, Jen, text me. Tell me what you guys catered, because Chris is right though. Those breadsticks are peak.

SPEAKER_00 23:11

I hope that you could read in my tone the sarcasm just to make sure we're on the same page.

SPEAKER_01 23:16

You can be sarcastic all you want. It doesn't change how good those breadsticks are.

SPEAKER_00 23:20

Okay. I'll leave my sarcasm where it was and we'll know the truth. I feel like I'd go one of two directions in this situation. Either I am trying to put literal and metaphorical walls around my house, get all the resources that I can to make sure that my family's very comfortable understanding the circumstances for the next three weeks, and that we have everything we need, and we can just be together and have our time together. That would be one direction. The other direction I'd go, and I think I've I've I've mentioned this film to you recently. I'm not sure if you've seen it yet. Have you watched the film Greenland?

SPEAKER_01 24:03

No. And we did talk about this recently, and it is on my list. I will defend myself. This is not a Top Gun Maverick thing. This is a I cannot win TV time against Miss Rachel. It just won't happen right now.

SPEAKER_00 24:21

So Against Miss Rachel?

SPEAKER_01 24:24

Yeah, I have a one and a three-year-old. Miss Rachel basically is the preschool teacher that owns YouTube at this point. That woman is worth a fortune, and every kid has a crush on her.

SPEAKER_00 24:37

Basically, if I turn it off, it's I don't even know what you're talking about right now, to be honest with you. Miss Rachel.

SPEAKER_01 24:45

You are better for it. Your kids are past that age.

SPEAKER_00 24:48

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 24:49

She just came out, I'd say, in the last three to five years. She is I she's a force with children. Like they shut up and they zone in and they're Miss Rachel zombies. I will I will educate you on this. I'm sure you'll feel much better for it.

SPEAKER_00 25:08

So she's one of the alien people from They Live.

SPEAKER_01 25:12

Yeah, she's basically modern-day Sesame Street, but she is she was solely YouTube. This is what oh my god. Sorry for this tangent. It's just just tangents today. World's ending. Let's do it. These YouTube stars are getting like Target toy deals. And I don't understand it. And she's one of them. She has a Target toy deal and now a show on Netflix. So whatever. She's doing something right. Short story long, I have not seen Greenland.

SPEAKER_00 25:43

So Greenland's a really good flick. And they made a sequel to it. I mentioned to you. I saw in the theater. It came out. I'm kind of surprised it made it in the theater because the original film was released pretty much just video on demand during the Covid-ish time. It was like 2020, 2021. But it actually, you know, not surprisingly given the time that we were in at the time, it got a nice little following. And I remember sitting down to watch it thinking, you know, because we were still under lockdown, like this is just going to be easy fair or whatever. It actually ended up, especially because it's Jard Butler and Jard Butler in this stage of his career, which is to say B movie city, mostly like disaster, but kind of yet again B movie poorly, relatively poorly done. It was a really, really good film. Pretty good special effects for the budget, very good screenwriting, and really good performances by Gerard, Marina Bacharin, a handful of other good character actor folks. It was it was a fun film and well done. They made a sequel, which wasn't as good, but was still very good. But in that film, the same thing's happening. A I think in that fact it is a comet, is coming to Earth. It's unavoidable, but come to find out there's a group of people that are chosen for protection, and they've, you know, been building, and inevitably this exists in real life, let's just be honest, bunkers to withstand this moment in Greenland that people are getting to. Long story short, they're chosen, but they don't end up being able to get on the planes to take them there. And so Gerard Butler, who has a wife and kid, are trying to figure out a way they can get from the United States to Greenland to get to this bunker that they have access to in this time. I'll say, if that is, and they have much less time. I think that they had like what 72, maybe, maybe a hundred hours, like a handful of days. If that's an option, then a completely different side of me comes out, and I'm absolutely doing everything in my power to get them to that bunker.

SPEAKER_01 28:10

Agreed. It's kind of like Swan Song that that that base in Colorado, they like retrofitted it. It didn't hold up, if you recall.

SPEAKER_00 28:20

I do.

SPEAKER_01 28:22

Do you think I guess it would depend on impact, but do you think anybody's surviving a comet that large?

SPEAKER_00 28:30

Okay. A comet the size of Texas? No. That's ripping a chunk out of the earth.

SPEAKER_01 28:36

Yeah, that's like punching a hole through it, basically.

SPEAKER_00 28:39

Size of Texas, no. But there's no comets that are actually that big. Like even the gigantic one that I think was one of the ones like prophesized in Mayan prophecy was what? Apo Apophis, Apophis, whatever they call it, which is huge, but even that one is what?

SPEAKER_01 29:03

Let's look it up.

SPEAKER_00 29:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:06

For the Mayans?

SPEAKER_00 29:08

Yeah, the the comment that I think it's an asteroid apologies.

SPEAKER_01 29:13

So what's the difference?

SPEAKER_00 29:17

Um asteroids. Hold on, let me let me look up. I was looking up this first.

SPEAKER_01 29:23

It was uh that six miles wide.

SPEAKER_00 29:26

So Apofis is the equivalent to an NFL football field slash the height of the Eiffel Tower, and that is gigantic for asteroids and and comets. Like, and so something the size of Texas, A, I don't think is possible. I don't think it would make it through space and be able to get to a place where that would actually happen. But B, I just don't think it's possible. So they're gonna be large, but okay, asteroids are composed of rock, comets of uh frozen gas, ice.

SPEAKER_01 30:01

Okay, so we'd be dealing with an asteroid then.

SPEAKER_00 30:05

Likely. Apologies. Some of these have been comets, though, but the likelihood would be more asteroids.

SPEAKER_01 30:11

Yeah, but uh, but frozen, frozen and gas, like that feels like the atmosphere could take care of a lot of it.

SPEAKER_00 30:19

Not that size. Okay. Not quickly enough.

SPEAKER_01 30:23

Well, not quickly enough. It's still coming, it's still gonna hit. Yeah. But I I do think the impact is gonna be much less. Because you know when you you know when you leave a popsicle out and it kind of like starts to melt on the outside, but you could say still solid in the middle, but then you pull it out and it just leaks everywhere.

SPEAKER_00 30:39

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 30:41

It'd be kind of like that, except in a ball. You know, the rocks, the the ball in your whiskey glass.

SPEAKER_00 30:46

But keep in mind, comets are a lot larger. So like Haley's comet, for instance, nine miles by five miles by five miles.

unknown 30:57

Fuck.

SPEAKER_00 30:57

That is huge. So it certainly is going to reduce in size as it goes through the atmosphere, but not enough. So maybe a comet the size of Texas. No, well, not the size of Texas, because yet again, nine miles versus size of Texas.

SPEAKER_01 31:12

I think I misspoke and it was the size of Houston.

SPEAKER_00 31:18

Okay. That's possible, yes. Okay. So but the likelihood, you know, one of these that would hit, that could hit, could hit, the likelihood would be that something, if it did, if there was a suitable bunker, which inevitably, like I said, they've built these.

SPEAKER_01 31:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:38

It could absolutely happen. And in Greenland, I think they're only down there for like what three to four years. I think it would be longer than that. You'd have to stay down below. And obviously, when they get in, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna spoil things because Greenland 2 just came out. Okay. Whatever. I don't think this is spoiling too much, but when they come out of the bunker, there still is a fair amount of radioactive gas that they end up having to figure out, navigating the world through. So they probably shouldn't have had to come out three to four years, just three to four years after.

SPEAKER_01 32:14

They they should have done the Blast from the Past move and had that little clock.

SPEAKER_00 32:19

My God, I love that movie so much.

SPEAKER_01 32:21

Yeah, that was Brendan Fraser at his height.

SPEAKER_00 32:24

Brendan Fraser, Alicia Silverstone, Christopher Walken, Sissy Spacek, all at the height of their powers, having ever clear on the soundtrack. Oh yeah. Just perfect 90s film.

SPEAKER_01 32:40

And I love the end of it where they finally emerged from their hole. They were down there for what, 30 years? Yeah. Something like that. Yep. The Brendan Fraser never seen the surface. I think he was born in the bunker, right? Yeah, he was. So yeah, he's only known his mom and dad. He's never been anywhere else. He finally comes out. All that shit aside.

SPEAKER_00 33:05

For those that haven't seen Blast from the Past, of which I bet there's a lot of people on here who haven't. A lot. Watch Blast from the Past, especially if you are a millennial or Gen X.

SPEAKER_01 33:15

Yes. Yeah, because it was a Cold War thing. So Gen X. Sorry, that was should have been obvious. But uh when Christopher walking at the end of the movie and he's like pacing around the house, like measuring it with his steps, and it's just like he's just like, this isn't real. Like I've been in the hole now for 30 years.

SPEAKER_00 33:35

It all makes me so happy. And his kind of measuring of that, like walking this property in and actually attending to measure, that reminds me of a fun story where when Angela and I got married and we bought our first refrigerator, and we're at Nebraska Furniture Mart. And the guy's like, now does this does this refrigerate, is this refrigerator gonna fit? And I step up to it and I put my nose on top of the top of the refrigerator. And I'm like, yeah, it's perfect. He's like, I'm sorry, what are you doing? And I'm like, I'm measuring it. He's like, excuse me. I'm like, I know the spot, the little alcove in our house by how it hits my nose. And so I'm giving it the nose test and it passes and it's good. And Angela just looked at me with one of the more horrified looks she's ever had. She's had a good few ones for me throughout our marriage. It might still be the most horrified ones. And she's like, the nose test? Are you kidding me right now? And I'm like, no, it's good, we'll take it. And the salesman just looks at me, he's like, I'm not gonna make a return if the nose test hasn't passed. I'm like, oh, I'm confident. And the day that the delivery folks are are bringing the refrigerator, they look at the alcove and they're like, I'm not, we're not even gonna be in this, bring this refrigerator in. It's not gonna, it's not gonna fit. And Angela immediately starts leaning at me. I'm like, stop, hold on. I look at the guys, I'm like, trust me, it's gonna fit. I measured. And they're like, Well, what was the measurement on it? I'm like, no, I I did the nose test. I saw how it hit on me on my nose. And they looked at each other and looked at me, they're like, You're kidding, right? And I'm like, I'm not, I'm dead serious. My wife, I think, actually has started crying at this point. They're like, if we bring this in and it doesn't fit, you're gonna be paying us, and you're keeping the we're keeping the refrigerator outside on your side, on the side of your house, and we're leaving. Got it? I'm like, it's gonna fit. Tristan, with a centimeter to spare, in the words of Jim Carrey, like a glove.

SPEAKER_01 35:47

That's when dubs get released, soundtrack starts playing, simple minds. I would guess. You can do the the fist in the air. Because you were right.

SPEAKER_00 35:59

I think to go back actually to a previous episode, the only person who could truly score the triumph of that moment would be the great Alan Silvestri, as you know.

SPEAKER_01 36:08

Alan Silvestri. He'll do a slow build, slow burn when they're all outside. You can kind of start to feel it amping up as there's suspense, but there's optimism. And it's a good thing. Which he's great, and it just crescendos. I would imagine she jumped into your arms thrilled that you were correct.

SPEAKER_00 36:32

That was not the response.

SPEAKER_01 36:34

I don't know. Just hear me out. The the guy's high five, obviously, the delivery people offer you a job, but you're, you know, otherwise employed gainfully, so you have to turn them down.

SPEAKER_00 36:48

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 36:48

Yeah. I can picture it all in my head. What I was hoping you were gonna say, though, is that you were wearing shoes in the store and you often are barefoot at home. So your calculations for the nose test were off by an inch.

SPEAKER_00 37:03

Jokes on you, because at that point in my life, I would wear the same shoes forever to the extent that when Angela and I were hiking the Nepali Coast, and this is why Angela will never listen to this, because she doesn't like to be reminded of the horrific things that I've done and put her through. We're hiking the Nepali coast in Hawaii, and in the middle of a 12-mile hike, one of my shoes breaks. Like literally, the heel, all of it just comes completely apart. And Angela looks at me and she's like, Chris, those shoes, they look familiar. How long have you had them? I'm like, How long have we been together? She looks at me horrified. Well, it's our 10-year anniversary. So I'm like, Yeah, I had them five years before we got together.

SPEAKER_01 37:53

Oh God.

SPEAKER_00 37:54

And so I'm like, but this is fine. This is fine. I'll just fix them. Yeah. Because clearly I'm a carpenter. And I take some fronds of a thick vegetation that I see nearby and start to like wrap them around to create the shoe. I realize seven minutes later, I'm not a carpenter. It's a crushing realization for me. I'm like, you know what? This is fine. Hawaiians have been hiking this for thousands of years, barefoot. Oh no. I don't need shoes.

SPEAKER_01 38:24

Oh no.

SPEAKER_00 38:24

I actually want to experience this as it should be. And so for the rest of all those miles of the hike, I did it barefoot.

SPEAKER_01 38:32

Oh my god. No.

SPEAKER_00 38:36

Seriously? Seriously. 100%. And so I know for a fact my shoes would have had consistency because inevitably, those shoes I'd been wearing for years and years and years, and knew that nose test hit proper.

SPEAKER_01 38:52

Oh my god. I've tried to do one hike in sandals because it was from a beach, and I just wasn't thinking, and my foot cramped for like two weeks after it was in some of the most pain I've ever been in my life. And I'm cursing this hike, and I'm cursing these sandals. Anyways, that's the day I learned I had gout.

SPEAKER_00 39:19

Kidding.

SPEAKER_01 39:20

Well, no, I mean that is that is true. Like a good way.

SPEAKER_00 39:22

Hey, that's a helpful thing to know.

SPEAKER_01 39:24

Yeah, it's like one of those. It's it's awful.

SPEAKER_00 39:28

If Ka wills it, there will be water, right?

SPEAKER_01 39:31

Yes. Absolutely. Yeah. Ka's a wheel.

SPEAKER_00 39:35

So it would depend upon the circumstances, but for me, it would be one of the two. Either I'm getting my family to a new reality and way of the world. And boy, would that be interesting, making that track because with Girard, it was just him, his wife, and his son. You know that my wife, my kids, both of my dogs, they're all coming. And if I can make it possible, obviously, that we can go as a group with a handful of good folks as well, that's what we're doing. But depending upon where that sucker is, that would be very difficult. But it's one of those two extremes for me if the world's in a few weeks.

SPEAKER_01 40:14

Okay. So we established that there are bunkers that exist, that people might survive this. Might. What are you doing if you survive? Do you think you'd be able to survive the desolate wasteland? This is your wheelhouse right here, as someone that I know loves the apocalyptic dystopian features. Do you think you could survive the comet or the asteroid hitting? We're talking like yeah, we're talking swan song here. Like, that was nuclear weapons and everything. Yes. But similar outcome. I mean, where's the food? That's basically cans or nothing because crops are dead, animals are dead. Or it's cannibalism.

SPEAKER_00 41:04

Which I would never be able to do. I would never do.

SPEAKER_01 41:06

Really?

SPEAKER_00 41:07

No, absolutely not.

SPEAKER_01 41:08

I would have no Donner party for you?

SPEAKER_00 41:11

No. I'd have to die before that became an option.

SPEAKER_01 41:13

Well, you would die just, you know, feed the rest of us. Your sacrifice will be noted. Thank you. When we rebuild, we'll carve a statue.

SPEAKER_00 41:21

I I appreciate that.

SPEAKER_01 41:22

It'll you will only have one leg on the statue, you know, just as a true remembrance of the situation.

SPEAKER_00 41:29

Perfect. Yeah. I like this imagery.

SPEAKER_01 41:31

Yeah. I don't so I know that I could hang for a while. I mean, I I know basic life skills. I was in Cut Scouts. I almost made it to an Eagle Scout. I know what I'm doing. I know how to light a fire. I can use a knife and tie a rope.

SPEAKER_00 41:48

The fact that you said you were in Cub Scouts. Yeah. And did not say Boy Scouts tells me.

SPEAKER_01 41:54

Oh, yeah, there is one after. Okay, it is.

SPEAKER_00 41:56

Tells me that.

SPEAKER_01 41:59

Yeah. I went as far as I was a Weeblo. I was a Weeblow, okay? I was a Weeblo.

SPEAKER_00 42:04

I know what I'm doing.

SPEAKER_01 42:06

I got the commemorative arrow on a placard that has my name that says I graduated into Wii Blows. I know how to wield a pocket knife. Oh my god. I think where I would die though, here's what would kill me. I've been rallying. I I'm just not a gun person. I never have been. Which is going to be my demise when the end of the world comes, is I'm going to get gunned down by a gun nut that has a bunker.

SPEAKER_00 42:36

The beautiful thing is, you don't know this. I don't think at least. I have a samurai sword.

SPEAKER_01 42:42

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 42:43

And I'm for sure taking that sucker with me.

SPEAKER_01 42:47

You have to. It'll be the only protection you have.

SPEAKER_00 42:50

Exactly. Because yeah, I couldn't. I'm not a gun person either.

SPEAKER_01 42:53

No. We will have to, when it hits, you know, we come out of the bunker. We'll give the predator, you know, supermuscular high five that they do. You know what I'm talking about.

SPEAKER_00 43:06

It's essentially a handshake.

SPEAKER_01 43:09

It's the handshake.

SPEAKER_00 43:11

And we will push in too many pencils, huh?

SPEAKER_01 43:18

And then we just find a place to live. We find a little shack. We're gonna make it through. I don't know. I this this It's such a weird idea, like just thinking about like I can't even fully contextualize what I would do if I lost my job, let alone knowing that the world is ending. So it's like I can't even put myself in that frame of mind. By bringing it all back, I would have to I think you're you're making the right move. We hunker down with family until they shut the power off on us and I don't know, work our way through the booth closet and listen to records, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 44:00

Just spend time. But yeah, my guess is it would be the other, and there would be the option in the bunkers. And so that is what I would be doing. And boy, would that be harrowing and scary.

SPEAKER_01 44:13

Living in a bunker?

SPEAKER_00 44:14

No. Trying to get to the bunker.

SPEAKER_01 44:16

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 44:17

The journey to the bunker, that's the scary part.

SPEAKER_01 44:20

Because it what kind of bunker is it in Greenland? Is it like the John Goodman from the Cloverfield movies, or is it like Blast from the Fast?

SPEAKER_00 44:27

Well it's it's I mean it's it's meant to take tens of thousands of people. So it's infinitely bigger. It's well stocked, to be fair, but infinitely bigger.

SPEAKER_01 44:40

How do you even build something of that scale, like under the under people who knows?

SPEAKER_00 44:46

Oh dude, you know that that's you know that's happening.

SPEAKER_01 44:51

No, I I know it has to be. It's just it's crazy that this could happen. Like you can just in this day and age of Google Earth, you can just decide to build a 10,000-person bunker in the middle of nowhere and just off the radar.

SPEAKER_00 45:04

We can go down a whole lot of paths here. And I was thinking before this, like, at what point do I get my conspiracy theory hat on and put on the tinfoil and start looking at that through that lens of, well, who who controls Google Earth? You know, does Google Earth just have everything and et cetera, et cetera? Go down all these paths, but at the end of the day, you know these things are occurring and would be in place, are in place inevitably right now.

SPEAKER_01 45:29

What do you think happens first? We somehow burn this world down all by ourselves or first contact? Official first contact, not off-the-record DS where people are like, you know, government agencies are hiding it and shit.

SPEAKER_00 45:45

Like Damn it, man, you can't ask me that kind of question without any prompt. That's a big question. It is.

SPEAKER_04 45:52

Fuck. Do we save this for next time? No.

SPEAKER_00 45:58

You ask the question, it's there now. I mean I'm gonna I'm gonna be the op I'm gonna have the optimistic opinion today and say it's it's first contact. I don't think we'd let ourselves get burn the world down, but damn it if we wouldn't get all the damn it if we don't have the potential to get all the way to the brink of doing it.

SPEAKER_04 46:20

But I don't think we would ever get all the way there. I just don't know what's gonna stop it. The world is way too self-correcting and big and with pieces in place to not let that happen. Yeah. So you're saying miracle I get yourself. Yeah. But we we almost have a light that was gonna like by it all. It would never get that way.